St Valentine. This is after all who Valentine's day is based on. If you didn't know this before then don't feel too bad as I've trawled the web and come up with nada. No-one really knows who he is. Short of citing Wikipedia, I don't really know what to tell you. It's a mystery, as is love itself, like why some picked the ape who wishes to stick his finger deep into his belly button and sniff it. St V certainly has a reputation though as a heroic and romantic martyr. So how exactly do you sir, match up? Unless of course you're a regular George Clooney.

Before you moan about the expenses of Valentine's Day (true) and how you might get out of it (not going to happen) you might want to read on before changing tact.

Hate spooning? In Wales men give out wooden 'love spoons', which is cheaper than jewellery and a nod towards the kitchen, rapturous applause.

In Japan it's women who give their significant other chocolate. Now before you explode in bitter jealousy whilst looking at the 'appropriate gift' list she's made up, in the 19th century it was tradition in Austria for women to cram apple slices under their armpits in a ritual dance. When she caught the eye of a likeable fellow she would offer this delicious snack for him to eat. British women aren't looking so bad now eh? However, this image is now burned into my mind and begs the question - how was the hygiene back then??!

Of course in the animal world where some of you belong, it's a whole new playing field, even legend Hugh Hefner wouldn't stand a chance. For example, female black widow spiders and praying mantes may EAT their date after they've done the business exoskeletal style. Think you boys have got off lightly...unless you didn't get a Dom and Geri card and/or wrapping paper.

Just going to leave these links here...

Valentine's Day Cards

Valentine's Day Gift Wrap